First off, thank you for all of the prayers. It means more to me than you will ever know and I have made so many friends on this roller coaster and I carried all your love with me.
Happy to report my bone marrow transplant happened less than 24 hours ago. NO MORE CHEMO! No more radiation, no more sleepless nights curled in a ball reeling from side effects! This might be a bit premature to declare victory because I need to make through 72 hours (within those 72 hours is when most transplant recipients die from what is called graft vs. host) but I have made it through kidney failure, 2 remissions, 3 comas and I have come too far for this to be the end.
During the transplant I listened to my SL mix called KICKIN @SS! I have to say these past few years all came flooding back. It was like watching a movie. It started with the loss of my mom, getting the news I knew was coming sitting in my Doctor's office hearing that the leukemia was back. Then to me driving in my jeep with SL blasting on that dark and rainy night while I screamed at the raindrops hitting the windshield as I wondered how I could do this on my own. Somehow finding comfort that night in the words I was listening to. from there it was endless treatments and countless times of throwing my hands up screaming "I QUIT"! I spent hours and hours of searching for God, hating Him, loving Him, questioning Him and then giving up on Him.
Then came that Grammy video by SL and me accusing some poor kid of stealing my myspace bulletin. Little did I know; that video and that poor kid on the other end would be the pivotal shift in this mission of trying to survive.
I found my other half. Amy was there for every step. I never fought alone! She was there for every close call, near miss and also for the Glory! I spent a lot of time thinking about this past summer. Getting to see the return of SL. Getting to meet both of them and I got the chance to thank them for my best friend. I sat and talked to Kristian that night about this crazy road and we reflected on our emails back and forth about our mom's and where they find the words that change lives. I started to cry thinking back to the night after and when they hit the stage singing my song. i was lost in a see of people and when they got to the line " I could work my life away, but why? I got things to do before die. There's gotta be something more, Gotta be more than this. I need a little less hard time, I need a little more bliss" and Kirsten saw me and turned that into the moment I knew it was all going to be okay and it was a pretty awesome experience. He is unreal!
I then fast forwarded to Atlanta, Georgia on September 26th. Sitting in the crowd with Amy next to me listening to them sing Something More. There it was my best friend and I getting to experience the reason why we have each other before I had to head back to the west coast to finish out this long journey.
With this year winding down I have to say it was a year I will never forget. So many dreams realized, tears cried, pain and heartache, love, joy, fears and laughs, scars and healing.
Before Amy came into my life I didn't really have much. I was used to doing it alone and finding comfort in things like music where family should have been. I am glad to say that I have a family now because of that music and I know I am not alone. All my dreams were realized and so I can say I don't need NUTTIN' FOR CHRISTMAS because Christmas came early for this kid.
So thank you all for every email, phone call, letter, comment, voice mail and prayer. There comes a point in life where we create our own family and I am so glad you let me into yours. Here is to 2010, a fresh start in life cancer free!
God is real and looking back at all of this, I know it would not have happened without Him! God Bless you all and thank you will never be enough :O)
11/13/2009 22:35:00 PST
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